Confession

I need your help. I need you to pray. You see I have this burning desire to help sick kids. Only I don't know what direction this will take. I have the strongest urge to get up from my desk and go sit at Seattle Children's. Nutty I know. It's something about just being there that is so hopeful, so healing, so fulfilling to me. I have no degree, I have 4 small kids and a husband and no time to persue this. Please don't misunderstand me I LOVE my family and wouldn't change that ever. I know God is working in me and he is preparing me for something bigger. Have you ever been SO passionate about something that you tear up and get a lump in your throat when you think about it? That is how this calling effects me. I know its a calling, starting back when Kayla was a baby. It has been growing in my heart for the past 7 years. I knew God was telling me something and time was on my side, that he would reveal his purpose for me in HIS time. I am trying ever so HARD to rely on that, I just get so excited and impatient at the same time.
I am sure I have eluded to this many times before but it is so amazing to me that I just have to share it again...
Don't ever let your imperfections stop you from recieving what God has in store for you. Take me for example.
I made some bad choices at the age of 20. I came home from college and was SO lost. All of my friends where still in school, I had no where to plug in at church and moved home to live with my parents. My youth group was my life. I grew up with those kids, I spent nearly every waking moment with them. They where my bestfriends and like family to me. To describe it I was devestated by this loneliness. My cousin who was really more like a sister to me was here at home (thank goodness!!) We spent a lot of time together with her friends which I knew most of them from childhood. I went crazy. I didn't do hard drugs or anything but I drank. I lost value in myself and kicked my values out the door. I became pregnant at the age of 20. I had no idea I could be; I went to the dr to check for diabetes (dad had just been diagnosed as Diabetic I think)I had been feeling crappy. My nieve self didn't know that they test for pregnancy as part of a routine. The dr came back into the room and told me the test was positive. "I am a diabetic?" "No you're pregnant" My body went hot, from head to toe I was burning on the inside. I went to the floor and sobbed. The dr said " I am so sorry". Complete disbelief. I pulled myself together after several minutes and sheepishly walked out of the office.
My life was forever changed. I was now a single, broke, christian mother. I told my parents that day. I was going to try to process it for a few days but when I walked into the house from the garage I fell to pieces crying. My mom took one look at me after trying to get me to tell her what was wrong (I couldn't, I couldn't break her heart)she said "can I guess?" I sobbed "yea" she said "you're pregnant" my heart hurt SO bad I almost couldn't take it. She hugged me, she didn't let me go or yell at me she hugged me and cried with me, for me and for her too. I recounted my visit to the dr and calmed down for a minute. My mom asked "Do you want to tell Dad or do you want me to?" At that moment I am pretty sure my heart pumped itself right out of my chest up into my throat. I wanted to scream. I want to tell my Dad how sorry I was, how I didn't mean for this to happen, how I wanted to take it all back. My mom did go tell my Dad. I don't think he knows how much that moment affected me;this is what he did... he came into my room, crawled into bed with me, wrapped his arms around me and told me he LOVED me. I knew right then that no matter what my Dad still loved me. He was broken hearted, hurt and angry I am sure BUT he never took it out on me. I love him for that so dearly, he very easily could have kicked me out of the house. Instead he set rules and again gave me a place to grow and to heal.
That one bad choice changed my families lives forever. I also lost a very dear friend because of my pregnancy. I loved her so much, we had been inseperable, we had been through so much; this however proved to be too much and we parted ways. My poor parents not only had to deal with a pregnant unwed daughter but now I wouldn't leave their sides. I was stuck like glue. Kind of like having a full grown toddler around all the time. 8 months later December 25th 2001 Kayla made her grand appearance. She was 1 month and 1 day early. Kayla shares her birthday with Jesus, I believe this is no mistake. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with Kayla until she was 9 months old. Each morning I watched Joyce Meyers on TV. I used this as my devotional time. I looked forward to it and Kayla almost always napped during this time. It was during this time that God really began to speak to me, I wanted to be a speaker of some kind. But what would I speak about? My story was much the same of many young woman thus far? So over time I prayed and about it and continued with life. fast forward 5 years. I am married and have a newborn. Jacqueline was born May 9th, 2007. Healthy or so we thought. At 4 months of age we knew something wasn't right. My husband and I found out we where expecting again! Alexa was born May 5th 2008. Much of Alexa's pregnancy was spent taking Jackie to Children's, evaluations, tests, appointment after appointment. It was during this time when I read a book called "Mother Warrior" by Jenny McCarthy. The book is controversial; however I took a lot from it. Especially the title. I wish I could have thought of that myself:) I made that title my mantra. I was a Mother Warrior for Jackie.
As most of your know we have no diagnosis yet for Jackie, still testing. But through this journey I am coming to see that Jackie will be a very integral part of the platform God is giving me. I am a speaker now. I speak for Jackie, I walk for Jackie, I climb stairs for Jackie, I sit for Jackie, I pray for Jackie, I research for Jackie, and now I can play with Jackie, Tickle Jackie, read to Jackie
I cry when Jackie does something new.
I am overwhelmed by God's grace. I would have never believed if you had told me at 21 years old, a new mother, fallen from Grace that this is where I would be a mere 7 years later I would have never believed you. The cool think is that God isn't done with me yet:)