Confession

I need your help. I need you to pray. You see I have this burning desire to help sick kids. Only I don't know what direction this will take. I have the strongest urge to get up from my desk and go sit at Seattle Children's. Nutty I know. It's something about just being there that is so hopeful, so healing, so fulfilling to me. I have no degree, I have 4 small kids and a husband and no time to persue this. Please don't misunderstand me I LOVE my family and wouldn't change that ever. I know God is working in me and he is preparing me for something bigger. Have you ever been SO passionate about something that you tear up and get a lump in your throat when you think about it? That is how this calling effects me. I know its a calling, starting back when Kayla was a baby. It has been growing in my heart for the past 7 years. I knew God was telling me something and time was on my side, that he would reveal his purpose for me in HIS time. I am trying ever so HARD to rely on that, I just get so excited and impatient at the same time.
I am sure I have eluded to this many times before but it is so amazing to me that I just have to share it again...
Don't ever let your imperfections stop you from recieving what God has in store for you. Take me for example.
I made some bad choices at the age of 20. I came home from college and was SO lost. All of my friends where still in school, I had no where to plug in at church and moved home to live with my parents. My youth group was my life. I grew up with those kids, I spent nearly every waking moment with them. They where my bestfriends and like family to me. To describe it I was devestated by this loneliness. My cousin who was really more like a sister to me was here at home (thank goodness!!) We spent a lot of time together with her friends which I knew most of them from childhood. I went crazy. I didn't do hard drugs or anything but I drank. I lost value in myself and kicked my values out the door. I became pregnant at the age of 20. I had no idea I could be; I went to the dr to check for diabetes (dad had just been diagnosed as Diabetic I think)I had been feeling crappy. My nieve self didn't know that they test for pregnancy as part of a routine. The dr came back into the room and told me the test was positive. "I am a diabetic?" "No you're pregnant" My body went hot, from head to toe I was burning on the inside. I went to the floor and sobbed. The dr said " I am so sorry". Complete disbelief. I pulled myself together after several minutes and sheepishly walked out of the office.
My life was forever changed. I was now a single, broke, christian mother. I told my parents that day. I was going to try to process it for a few days but when I walked into the house from the garage I fell to pieces crying. My mom took one look at me after trying to get me to tell her what was wrong (I couldn't, I couldn't break her heart)she said "can I guess?" I sobbed "yea" she said "you're pregnant" my heart hurt SO bad I almost couldn't take it. She hugged me, she didn't let me go or yell at me she hugged me and cried with me, for me and for her too. I recounted my visit to the dr and calmed down for a minute. My mom asked "Do you want to tell Dad or do you want me to?" At that moment I am pretty sure my heart pumped itself right out of my chest up into my throat. I wanted to scream. I want to tell my Dad how sorry I was, how I didn't mean for this to happen, how I wanted to take it all back. My mom did go tell my Dad. I don't think he knows how much that moment affected me;this is what he did... he came into my room, crawled into bed with me, wrapped his arms around me and told me he LOVED me. I knew right then that no matter what my Dad still loved me. He was broken hearted, hurt and angry I am sure BUT he never took it out on me. I love him for that so dearly, he very easily could have kicked me out of the house. Instead he set rules and again gave me a place to grow and to heal.
That one bad choice changed my families lives forever. I also lost a very dear friend because of my pregnancy. I loved her so much, we had been inseperable, we had been through so much; this however proved to be too much and we parted ways. My poor parents not only had to deal with a pregnant unwed daughter but now I wouldn't leave their sides. I was stuck like glue. Kind of like having a full grown toddler around all the time. 8 months later December 25th 2001 Kayla made her grand appearance. She was 1 month and 1 day early. Kayla shares her birthday with Jesus, I believe this is no mistake. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with Kayla until she was 9 months old. Each morning I watched Joyce Meyers on TV. I used this as my devotional time. I looked forward to it and Kayla almost always napped during this time. It was during this time that God really began to speak to me, I wanted to be a speaker of some kind. But what would I speak about? My story was much the same of many young woman thus far? So over time I prayed and about it and continued with life. fast forward 5 years. I am married and have a newborn. Jacqueline was born May 9th, 2007. Healthy or so we thought. At 4 months of age we knew something wasn't right. My husband and I found out we where expecting again! Alexa was born May 5th 2008. Much of Alexa's pregnancy was spent taking Jackie to Children's, evaluations, tests, appointment after appointment. It was during this time when I read a book called "Mother Warrior" by Jenny McCarthy. The book is controversial; however I took a lot from it. Especially the title. I wish I could have thought of that myself:) I made that title my mantra. I was a Mother Warrior for Jackie.
As most of your know we have no diagnosis yet for Jackie, still testing. But through this journey I am coming to see that Jackie will be a very integral part of the platform God is giving me. I am a speaker now. I speak for Jackie, I walk for Jackie, I climb stairs for Jackie, I sit for Jackie, I pray for Jackie, I research for Jackie, and now I can play with Jackie, Tickle Jackie, read to Jackie
I cry when Jackie does something new.
I am overwhelmed by God's grace. I would have never believed if you had told me at 21 years old, a new mother, fallen from Grace that this is where I would be a mere 7 years later I would have never believed you. The cool think is that God isn't done with me yet:)

Thankful Thursday

It's a little late but worth the wait! We are in Sunriver visiting my grandparents. We have been having a wonderful time biking, swimming and shopping. We all have nice tans:) I am so greatful that we where able to take this vacation. It has been a long time coming! The kids are doing great except that Alexa hasn't slept well at night; that is odd because she sleeps like a champ at home!
I am thankful that Jackie has thrived in this environment, she continues to grow stronger and she is working at communicating with us!
I am also thankful that Laila was able to come with us on vacation, she has been learning to swim and even went down the BIG waterslide yesterday. The look of Joy on her face was worth a thousand words!
Alexa has her Great Grandma wrapped around her finger, speaking of fingers...Alexas favorite place to have a least one finger is up her nose...yeah disgusting!
Kayla has been swimming like a fish and water painting up a storm. I think she has enough pieces to open her own art gallery:)
Something a little sad, Michael Jackson died today. This is some one my brother and I grew up with. All the weird behavior aside he was the King of Pop. I would say to him, "thank you for creating the soundtrack to some wonderful memories of my child hood"
My brother listened to his black or white album the entire spring break of my 7th grade year. We where with my grandparents on a road trip and Bj sat in the back listening to it on the walk man:)

Just popping in!

My parents, me and Ondrey

Me and Great Grandma

Laila and Kayla in the backyard

My Great Grandparents on their 70th wedding anniversary. Looking GOOD!
We made it! We left Seattle about 10:30am yesterday and after a few hours stop over at my Great Grandparents for their 70th wedding anniversary. We rolled in to Sunriver about 9pm. It feels INCREDIBLE to be on vacation! We are already taken many great pictures from yesterday so keep a look out!

More pictures

1-Kayla and lexi, lexi doesnt like to sit still:)

2-Here is my Dad and the little ones

3-Jackies special made seat that hugs her in all the right places to get the optimal sitting postion for her. She is now interested in toys:)!

Picture Updates

This is my Mom with Kayla, Laila, Jacqueline and Alexa

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that when I punch the time clock tonight. I will be offically on VACATION!!!!!
I am also thankful that everyone seems to be healthy again minus me...silly cold!
There have been so many little miracles this week, I will post another blog about that soon...maybe from vacation:)
I am SOOO distracted right now, sorry not too great of a post this week. I am sure I will make up for it with pictures and storys from vacation!
Love you all!
Danielle

An extension of Monday's post

I checked my email this morning to see that my Moms bestfriend Lori and left me a comment about my blog, and it got me thinking. As I re read Mondays post about Differently abled kids it hit me that the guilt I feel isn't from God. Now I rationally know that but this thought hit me in a new way. GUILT is NOT from GOD. In previous postings you have read about how satan was/is trying to get a foot hold on me and my family. Well this came back to me again. A few thoughts resonating in my mind right now.
1-Guilit is NOT from God
2-Satan will NOT get a foot hold on my family.
3-Satan is trying....he is using this guilt to make me feel like I am not adequate, that praising my able bodied child is wrong and celebrating her new discoveries is wrong.
4-The TRUTH is that I celebrate in EACH and EVERYONE of my children's new discoveries; I clap for Lexi when she made it down the slide and I cried tears of joy when Jackie reached for me for the first time. I hi five my older kids when they know they have made good decisions and hug them when they learn a tough lesson.
5- I must remember GOD is at work in my family, in myself and in the world. HE celebrates along with me, he cries with me, he comforts me he LOVES on me.


In your life... is there an area you need to trust in GOD more? Is there something you are struggling to release to him? Maybe you have given something to him and now you have taken it back?

This verse comes to mind:
Psalm 5:11 (New International Version)

11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Also this passage


Hebrews 12
God Disciplines His Sons
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.


Can I get an AMEN?!
What I want people to be able to take away from this is to be encouraged. Be encouraged that God Loves you and he has a plan for your life.

Thanks Lori for making me "deep think" however its a little early and even though I proof read this post I must put a disclaimer out their and here it is...
I am EXHAUSTED. Nuff said:)
Love,
Danielle

Back on track

Ok guys I just renamed the blog:)
The Harnsberry Half Dozen!

I kinda like it:) Doing a lot of nothing right now. Did some work earlier and now I am not so interested in doing anymore!
Vacation oh vacation where are you??????

Ummmm

Ah crud, I thought long hand hard to come up with a fun new name for the blog. I just changed it and went to write this post and realized I miss counted. There are 6 of us. Um I have no excuse for that but I can say that we all made it out of the house dressed, fed and diapers changed (the babies, not us:)this morning. I think????
Maybe I should go home and check? Don't need the movie "Home Alone" playing out at my house:)
Well before I dash home to check on the possibly forgotten kids...
Alexa is obsessed with her shoes. She wants to hold both of them at all times, that is if she lets you take them off! I thought she might wear them to bed but I was able to distract her for a second:)
Kayla and I played cards last night...slap jack in particular...I kicked her tail!!!
Jackie was very happy last night with lots of talking and laughing, that is until I turned off the lights and told her it was bedtime:) She did quiet down after about 5 minutes.
In ODD news. I woke up at 5am and folded a load of laundry. No its not put away but it is folded. YAY me!
OK so do you guys have any ideas on what to rename my blog? shoot me some ideas!
Thanks!
Danielle

Sometimes

When I see differently abled kids (disabled kids) I want to cry, actually most of the time. It is not because of sorrow, well sometimes but mostly because of my own experience as a mother with a differently abled kid. Recently I was at Safeway in the check out line. I turned around to see a little girl about the age of 2 in a stroller with a feeding tube, Mom was putting another dose of dinner in for her. I almost said to that Mom. "Thank you for bringing your beautiful little girl out, for others to see because you have greatly encouraged me today" I didn't say that to her but I have to say I find myself thinking about her often and wishing I had said something.
It is becoming harder now that Lexi is older because she wants to get out and do things, be out of the stroller to play on the swing and the slides but I find myself feeling guilty that Jackie is just sitting in the stroller so I do my best to take turns with the kids.
Jackie really is making huge improvements and I am SO PROUD of her for her determination.
My Jac Jac,
I love you my sweet little girl. You are such a blessing in my life. You have taught me more about love, compassion, determination, laughter, God's will and joy than I could have ever imagined. God is using you in big ways my baby. YOU are a mighty spirit full of Gods Grace, Wisdom and strength.
You are doing so good with PT, Peg was just blown away with how well you are doing each week. Keep up the hard work sister, its paying off. You made me cry so hard last week when you reach over to touch my face. That was the first time you have ever done that. I called Grammie and told her all about it, she thought that was really cool.
I love you my sissy.
Mom

I guess my point in this post is, don't over look some one that makes you uncomfortable. It could be a disabled person, or some one that just takes you completely out of your comfort zone. That person is being used by God; how lucky you would be to have made contact with that person.
I want to hug other parents of differantly abled kids, I feel such a bond with them, that they might have the slightest inkling of what I feel or what I have gone through.

Manic Monday

Well Thankful thursday didn't happen last week...internet was down:(
SO I thught I would give you something different today.
In short this is how my weekend went... Cleaned all day, my house, mama lishey's and my moms house, picked up all the kids and headed to Kristy and Tims for a get together in honor of their 1 year anniversary. Good times, made it home before any of the kids made it to melt down mode.
Saturday I wasn't feeling that great and one of the kids was being a "liar liar pants on fire" big time so that sent Dear hubby into a frenzy ready to beat the crud out of the kid. As the day went on all of the kids started to drive me nuts so off to the park we went, lasted only about an hour before another one of my "oh so precious" kids went into meltdown when the icecream truck came through and god forbid I said no to a $4.00 Ice cream. "Breath...breath...1..2..3..I will not be thee" Oooops to late, she was warned (said my chant again) then she asked again and I spanked her. Yes folks, I took her to the car and spanked her butt. Back home we went.
My Mom came over for dinner, she bought pizza and just hung out...well kinda, between showering the older two kids, spending an hour and a half on taking braids out of one of the kids head then readoing their hair; the pipe fell off the kitchen sink so when my lovely mom turned the dish washer on her little feet got wet...hmmmmmmmmmmm MAINTANCE!!!!(I can't undertand anything that guy says but "I come now") love him though because he muscled the pipe back on and off he went.
After Mom left I fell into bed and wanted to do cartwheels all over the bed...Not because I am that athletic but because I was feeling so crumy I couldn't sit still, every position I sat or layed in hurt.
After a horrible nights sleep I decided I was staying home, as much as I wanted to be at church I had ZERO energy to get myself and 4 kids there. I muddled through yesterday with fits of nausea and feeling like I might have to run to the bathroom at a miliseconds notice. Cranky kids and a husband that slept ALL day.
I will just say it....I HATED THIS WEEKEND!
Now I am back to work and still feel a little crappy but some what better.
Now for the MANIC part of my post. We are leaving for our first vacation this weekend. We are SOOO excited we can't wait to have some much needed R&R. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years!
SO my mind is going a million miles a minute....what to pack, what to buy, where to go for good deals on stuff for the older kids to do in the car, note to self...bring EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK:) Thankfully We are not leaving until Sunday morning so I will have 2 days off before to prepare. I know we will be fine but how do you pack just enough and not too much??????????
So the last thing on my mind today is work and that is bad because its only monday and I have to work through thursday!

Full of words Wednesday

To update you folks,
Last night Ondrey and I headed to Children's with Jackie. Kay and Lex where with Grammie and Poppy having a great time. Lexi used a push toy and walked all over the back yard; she had a blast:)
We have been to children's many times as you know but never to the ER. It was a pleasent experience, we were blessed with nice nurses and a wonderful doctor. Origonally we thought Jackie would need IVs to rehydrate her however your prayers worked! And she did not need an IV, we gave her small amounts of Pedialite and watched her for awhile. No puking! YAY Jesus! She was given antinausea medicine that they give to kids going through Chemo and it worked like a charm. A plus to this med was that it melted in her mouth so again no needle needed! She was also tested for a UTI (urinary tract infection) which came back clear!
We left the hospital and picked up the girls from Grammies and headed home. Everyone got a good nights rest:)
Please continue to pray for our family; in specific...
-For Jackie to continue to get well
-For Ondrey's patience. It is running short as I have to be at work and he is left with much of the running to appts etc with a screaming kid that really only wants her mommy.
-For me, I feel incredibly guilty for not being able to be more present and am feeling so sad today. (Can I just spend the day tucked in Jesus shirt pocket? I am sure that would do wonders!?
-For finances, that we would be shown a way for me to be able to be home more, seceretly or not so seceretly I would love nothing more than to be the full time care taker for the kids.Especially Jackie and her special needs.

On the praise front...
-Kayla had the same viral thing that Jackie is dealing with and is feeling much better!
-Lexi is now trying to stand on her own and so badly wants to take off walking!
-Jackie is babbling more...trying to communicate!!!! No words but sure is trying her different sounds out!
-Laila will be able to come on vacation with us! We are so excited! We all NEED this vacation in the worst way!

Jackie is in need of prayers

Hello All!
I come asking for prayers for Jackie. She has been sick since this last Sunday. Low grade fever, vomiting, cranky. Hubby took her to the dr yesterday; they think it is viral due to a sore in her mpouth. I left work this afternoon to pick her up from daycare. She was puking all over. It was a tough call this morning to take her to daycare because she seemed fine, her fever had broke the night before and she was smiley today. She began puking again after her chiro appt so I called the dr. we are concerned about dehydration. I am back at work to close up so hubby is taking her to the dr to see what we can do.
Please pray for Ondrey as well. Jackie gives him the screaming fit whenever I am not there. He is trying very hard to be a good daddy and doing a great job but it can be very tiring when nothing works but Mommy to appease her.
In him,
Danielle

Thankful Thursday

This post is a little late in the day...
I am sitting in my office with a tiny and I do mean tiny fan that just laughs as it rotates around. I don't feel any wind. Thus my brain is fried. That being said...
Today I am thankful that
* its my friday today!!!!
* The weather is going to cool down tomorrow
* for a fun homegroup this last tuesday
* for chocolate
* That my fam is pretty healthy right now

Sorry its short, mushy brain. When it cools down tomorrow I will be as sharp as a tack!:) hahaha

Praying

This last weekend myself, the kids, my parents, brother and Kelly climbed into my parents motorhome to head to Salem Oregon. My cousin Kenneth was graduating from highschool. GO Kenneth!
Let me preface this by saying I have hardly traveled since having my last two babies and the thought of being with out my husband (who stayed behind to work) and being so far from home almost kept me from going on this trip. It is silly really because we were gone only 1 1/2 days but the thought of it kinda overwhelmed me. I guess I need to get out more:)
So we make it to Salem, had a great time and then it was time to go, Sunday morning Jackie woke up and started one of her "unexplained pain episodes" I call it that because that is exactly what it is. She went through a time where it was daily and now as she is getting older it's off and on but never daily. These episodes last about 1 1/2 to 2 hours usually. Not this one.... a whopping 3 hours later a switch flipped and she was smiley and talking like nothing had ever happend. During these events she screams and cries at the top of her lungs.Virtually inconsolable.
Let me add that another reason I decided to go was to see my Grandma Eunice; she would be there and I felt a really strong pull to her.
Ok back to my story; at one point my Grandma came into the motorhome and sat across from me and Jac. I was singing "you are my sunshine" over and over in her ear. For some reason that was distracting Jackie a little and so I went with it. Grandma's eyes began to fill with tears as she watched us. I knew she was praying for us. Because My Grandma is a prayer warrior and praying is what she does. We sat there singing, praying and loving this precious little girl that was in such a fit of pain for several minutes, she began to calm down, her muscles relaxed and there was calm. And just like the last 3 hours had never happend she was at peace.
After a few minutes I put Jackie in her carseat and went to say goodbyes to everyone. I was saying goodbye to Grandma, as she was talking to me I just started sobbing. My life has been so hectic and overwhelming lately and I just needed to let it out. It is a scary thing to watch if you have never witnessed one of Jackies episodes, I could see the concern and worry on everyones faces as she was going through this. We had told my parents about this but they had never seen one, let a long a 3 hour marathon one.
I am sure you are wondering is it constipation? Gas? tired? hungary? Sick? No seems to be the answer to all of those questions. I tend to think it has something to do with muscle spasms related to her hypontonia. But we have no concrete answers.
I titled this entry as "praying" because prayer in itself is amazing. That we could have such a personal and intimate relationship with the one who created our inner most beings. God knows what is causing Jackie's pain, my pain, your pain and loves us through it, he provides the grace and relief when we most need it. Not when we think we most need it but when he KNOWS we most need it.
Last night I sat holding Alexa, she has a double ear infection and is teething to boot. Her fever had reached 103.8, I was very worried; as I sat there I was praying that her fever would break, her body would cool down,the medicine would kick in. Please God giver her some relief! with in just a few minutes I felt her body cooling, checked the temp again; it was falling! I continued to check it until it was down to 99.9 and then we drifted off to sleep. I checked it a few times through out the night.
This morning Alexa was talkative and her eyes had returned to the sparkly bright brown eyes we love. Another dose of meds and she as ready and roaring to go. Praise Jesus! I have never seen that little girl so quiet in her life; she was feeling so icky she had nothing to say to anyone!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to the one who can do infinitely more than all we can ask or imagine according to the power that is working among[l] us— 21to him be glory in the church and in the Messiah Jesus to all generations, forever and ever! Amen.